


Double Edged Sword

by KaniTheCrab



Series: Words Unspoken (Dialogue free pieces) [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Colleen is a med student in this, F/M, I wrote this six months ago and I forgot to post it smh, and for that contest, another fic without dialogue, if i forget any tags or anything please lmk, it actually won the contest too :), it goes through her life from her pov, it was written very shortly after Quiet Nights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 11:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19317559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaniTheCrab/pseuds/KaniTheCrab
Summary: The way quiet moments evolves over time. Through experience, one will view moments of silence in different ways. Sometimes it will be a comfort, a warm blanket to wrap around yourself. Other times, it can be cold and lonesome. It can hurt more than what can be described. Colleen Holt experiences both sides to the sword called quiet. The soft, warm blanket and the cold, stabbing pain.





	Double Edged Sword

**Author's Note:**

> How I forgot to post this only higher powers may know. I hope you enjoy regardless- I had a lot of fun writing this piece. 
> 
> (ending notes are the notes posted originally with the work on Amino. The original post date was 8 December 2018)

»»—— ★——««

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

”I feel the familiar creep of ice in my flesh. I don’t know where it comes from, only that it arrives in moments of quiet, when I’m still, when I think. When I remember all I’ve done, and what has been done to me. The ice sits where my heart should be, threatening to split me open. My arms curl around my chest trying to stop the pain. It works a little, letting warmth back into me. But where the ice melts, it leaves only emptiness. An abyss. And I don’t know how to fill it back up.”

-Victoria Aveyard, _Glass Sword_

.・。.・゜✫・.・✭・゜・。.

»»—— ★——««

 

Growing up, there was hardly a time she was alone. Either her sister or her best friend were with her. At times, they both were. But rarely did Colleen experience any silence. Coming from a size-able Italian family, something was always going on. And in a smaller town, everyone knew everyone and though it was quiet, it was never silent.

 

Of course, college was different. She and Sam parted ways for a while. To a big city compared to that little town she went, and to the Galaxy Garrison he went. She was going to be a nurse, he was going to be an engineer. It took time, but they both graduated in the time they were supposed to. They kept contact through those years, formally beginning a relationship after their third year in their programs.

 

Through the time away from home, Colleen had learned what quiet really was. She thought it was only the crickets outside her window, or Sam whispering to her when they had snuck out so he could teach her about the stars. Even muffled giggles from talks with her sister late into the night. Growing up, quiet was a natural thing. Only generated by natural means; streams and insects, or a loved one trying to keep their voices down.

 

Quiet was all of those things, yes, and those things she held close to her heart. But quiet had also become the sleepy murmurs of the city around her. Cars driving by outside her window, quiet music from a show somewhere on the edges of town. Or the murmurs of the families in surrounding apartments going about their days.

 

It was the summer of their fourth year Sam mentioned marriage for the first time. Home for part of the season, he mentioned the way the Garrison was looking for doctors and nurses to help their studies- how things would work out well if she worked there like he planned to, if they were to be married. It would mean less time away from one another.

 

Thoughts of this filled her quiet time more than it had before. Sam actually was actually considering marriage in a serious way. He never would have mentioned as many details as he did if this was to be taken lightly. And it wasn’t taken lightly, either. Two years later, Sam formally proposed. Colleen had never agreed to anything as quickly as she had when he asked. Of course, they agreed to wait until after they’d both graduated to have their wedding. A wonderful way to mark the start of new chapters in their lives and to have less strain in the relationship. So little time together in person while having the full marital bond? Likely not the best idea. But engagement, they could handle.

 

»»—— ★——««

 

It was only a few weeks after Sam proposed that Colleen learned they both were awful at thinking ahead as far as their personal lives. Just one time having a bit of... fun, and here she was with a dilemma. A wonderful, incredible dilemma. But still a dilemma at the moment and possibly the worst timed dilemma.

 

Sam had graduated not long ago and was beginning to work- and work hard. Training for missions he was desperate to go on, doing studies and writing reports- and frankly, a whole lot more that Colleen didn’t know what he was talking about when they did talk on the weekends.

 

And she had just started her last year of medical school- Thank goodness her time as an undergraduate student was cut down by a year. Dual enrollment her senior year had been a good idea. But even with this, she still had a possible seven years of residency. That was eight years at most before she could become a practicing doctor. Four years at the very least.

 

And a child on top of that? A wonderful dilemma to have, but good lord was it still a dilemma. Everything about it was. From telling Sam to finishing school to letting Sam see them while they both lived and worked in different areas.

 

When she finally got the chance to tell Sam in person, it was Christmas time. And five months didn’t seem like enough time to prepare for this- not at all. Sam tried to assure her anyways that they would be fine; but all of the “ill come visit every weekend”s, scheduling, and planning in the world wouldn’t calm her nerves. She was thankful that she at least had her own appartement. Tiny, yes, but all hers. Well... Her’s and Matt’s now.

 

Matthew Dante Holt would be his full name- in tribute to Sam’s father and her’s respectively, whom were both happy to hear about it. Neither were thrilled that they wouldn’t be married before their son was born, but the wedding was planned for a few months after the due date. That eased the minds of the grandparents to be.

 

In the months between the announcement and April, Colleen learned that quiet could also be filled with concerned phone calls and texts. Or the sound of Sam coming in to stay for the weekend just as he promised, his hushed noises in the kitchen as he tried to make dinner for the both of them. Quiet became a blanket more so than ever, warm and welcoming. An encouragement to breathe, a reassurance that she would get through things.

 

»»—— ★——««

 

After many seemingly sleepless nights, essays, tests, diapers, bottles, and meltdowns... She’d made it. And she couldn’t be happier. She was now Mrs Colleen Holt. Something she’d been waiting for years to become- a doctor about to start residency and a wife to the man she loved.

 

Sam asleep on the futon of the cabin they’d rented with little Matt curled up on his chest. The first night of their honeymoon.. A week up north by the great lakes, just the three of them.

 

Seeing the two men she loved most in life together in this way meant the world to her. And with her residency ending up being at a hospital in Platt City, she would be seeing this much more often. More quiet nights like this were sure to come. And she couldn’t wait.

 

»»—— ★——««

 

Those quiet nights lasted for about eight years. And then little Katherine Alessandra Holt was born. Sam had joked that it was a big name for such a little girl, but Colleen firmly believed it suited her. Of course, the quiet nights still came but they definitely changed.

 

Matt’s participation in those quiet times fluctuated, and Sam’s attendance for them did as well. But there still were times where they could be caught huddled together.

 

The first four years weren’t bad. Matt was jealous of the attention Katie got, but he managed. Especially because being older brother, he got to help take care of her and he got to try to boss her about.

 

That lasted only those first four years.

 

Katie learned quickly how to deal with her brother, and at four and twelve they certainly were butting heads. Colleen would come home to some interesting set ups. Either forts they built together or a mess left from their various arguments and attempts to pull tricks on one another.

 

But as they grew older they didn’t get any quieter. Matt had gotten to that stage of wanting nothing to do with his kid sister, and Katie wanted nothing more than to be with her big brother.

 

The amount of times Colleen had to sit one or both of them down and have talks with them was a number she couldn’t count if she tried to. Luckily for her sanity, this didn’t continue until her oldest left home.

 

No, she was pleasantly surprised to find the two of them together studying technical things and the stars. As they grew older, this happened more and more. By the time Katie was eight and Matt sixteen, they had a mutual and fairly clear understanding of one another.

 

The two were almost inseparable by the time Matt joined their elder cousin at the Garrison, following in his fathers footsteps. Katie had cried the whole night after Sam took Matt to the campus, though she would never admit it.

 

Time was passing quickly, but that happens as one gets older. Far from being an empty nester, Colleen still hated that her little boy wasn’t home. But he was able to visit every holiday, just as she and Sam had done when they were his age.

 

Katie contacted him as often as possible, begging both him and Adam for study tips and what she should focus on to better her chances on getting in and getting ahead. Like father like son and like daughter, Colleen supposed.

 

Soon though, her little boy graduated from the Garrison as an engineer, just as his father had. And soon again, he was assigned to go on a mission and others after that- small ones for the span of two years. Then came the Kerberos mission.

 

Colleen felt safer knowing her baby boy’s first major mission would be with his father and the top pilot she’d come to know well, Takashi Shirogane. A good friend of both Sam and Matthews.

 

The launch of that mission was the third time Katie and Colleen cried together. First Matt going off to college, then his first mission... and now this mission. This wasn’t new to them, Sam had gone on many missions since he’d graduated. But Matt was involved now- He was really growing up now.

 

Quiet had changed for Colleen more than it ever had. From little whines in the night of her children being infants, to small arguments before bed- Both usually with Sam’s snoring welcoming her back to their bed and her own time for sleep. And then it was to hushed discussion of the worlds beyond theirs and the technology that could take humanity there. Familiar quiet with a twist. Instead of her and Sam having these discussions and him teaching her, it was Matt and Katie with Matt being the teacher. And the late night giggles she once shared with her sister could be heard occasionally when they were stargazing together, or curled up together while Matt played a video game- sometimes even letting Katie join.

 

Quiet had cycled back to become nostalgia then, and it still was now in a way. With the long months of just Katie and Colleen at home, it was reminiscent of her time in college. Only it was Kate studying her butt off while Colleen came home in the evenings to make dinner and talk about the day.

 

Funny, how she’s gotten to see her experiences from both angles now.

 

»»—— ★——««

 

Then one day, Colleen began to experience a new kind of quiet. One drastically different from what she’d come to know and love.

 

She’d come home while Kate was sitting at the dining room table, studying. With a few jokes and some laughter, Colleen convinced her daughter to put the books away and help make dinner. A night for spaghetti and maybe ice cream for afterwards. She sent Katie to the pantry to grab what wasn’t upstairs, deciding to turn the tv on for background noise as they cooked. She had only just reached for the pot when the headline flashed on the screen.

 

_**Kerberos Mission Failure: All Crew Reported Dead in Pilot Failure Incident** _

 

Her eyes went wide when she heard it. They had to be wrong on something- They just HAD to be. They couldn’t all be dead. They couldn’t be.Not both of them. The love of her life and her little baby boy. They couldn’t both be gone.

 

When Katie came back up, the question of “What’s wrong” died on her lips. Colleen didn’t need to answer- the television did for her. And the sound that left Katie as she ran to her mother is one Colleen hoped to never hear again.

 

That night, quiet was filled with phone calls from everyone who had their phone number. All offering condolences. Once those had faded away, all that was left was the soft sniffles and sobs from Katie. Colleen couldn’t cry. She couldn’t because she couldn’t believe she’d never see them again.

 

She’d never have Sam hold her again as they lay in bed. Never whisper to her about the beauty of what was beyond earth. He wouldn’t be there when Katie finished high school. Or when she started at the Garrison- there was no doubt she would be accepted. He wouldn’t be there for her graduation... her first mission... He wouldn’t be there to hand her off if she decided to get married one day. They wouldn’t grow old together like they’d dreamed of doing since they were twenty.

 

She’d never see Matt’s goofy smile when he said a bad joke. Or the way his eyes lit up when he started talking about the technology he was working with. Even if she didn’t understand all of it, listening to her son was something she loved with all her heart. Hearing him so excited and so happy- it was contagious. He could spark a conversation between himself, Katie, and their father that could last hours. Then he’d go up to his room and tinker with little side projects or study for hours until he’d fallen asleep at his desk. Colleen would never tuck him in again. She always joked about one day not being able to lift him from his desk to his bed; she never thought this is the way the habit would stop.

 

Colleen took a shaky sigh as she continued the habit with her little girl. Carefully untangling herself from Katie, she scooped her up and held her close for a moment. She pressed her face into Katie’s hair- clinging to her for a moment. She was all that was left of them. Her only child now. She looks so much like them both. She was so much like them both in every way, but still uniquely herself.

 

It was after tucking Katie in and kissing her on the forehead that Colleen finally broke. They didn’t even have bodies to bury- they never would. The last time she’d seen them was before they left. Hugs and kisses had gone around, “I love you”s and “be safe”s spoken many times.

 

As she lay in bed, she held one of his coats close to her; she was desperate to ingrain every bit of him into her memory. His scent, his laugh, his touch... Everything about him.

 

Now she had learned why some hated quiet. It had always been a comfort, but now it was suffocating. She would give anything to hear the snores she would complain about. Never again would she complain about it- never would she again if she could hold him just once more. And she’d never complain about having to clean up after Matt if it meant she could hear him talk about his passions again.

 

Together, through many quiet nights, they decided what to bury in memoriam. For Matt, one of his little projects. The one he’d swore he’d get back to, but it continued to sit in the desk corner untouched and collecting dust. For Sam, they’d finally decided on the coat he wore around the house often. Colleen had patched it so many times, but she did so happily. He enjoyed how comfortable the coat was and insisted it was fine, even with patches all over it.

 

When they’d gone to bury the small tributes, Adam had come along to do the same for Shiro. He’d brought a cadet who seemed fully unwilling to be there- one who seemed to be completing high school through the garrison’s new program. Neither spoke much, but they both had separate items to bury. From Adam, the mug his ex fiancé always insisted on using. Always that one because Adam had gotten it as a gift for their first anniversary and he’d loved it that much. From the boy, Keith, a note. He never said what was on it, but no one pressed him to speak about it. No one spoke much at all, actually. Just enough to say whatever goodbye they felt couldn’t stay silent.

 

»»—— ★——««

 

Quiet never got better from there. Quiet became lonely now. Katie had always been up in her room before she cut her hair and enrolled as a transfer student, Pidge Gunderson, at the garrison. Colleen would never know how she pulled it off, but Katie had done it.

 

Quiet wasn’t just quiet now, it was silence. And it hurt even more. Katie didn’t come home for holidays. Didn’t call much either. She was determined to prove that Sam and Matt were alive somehow. Even after being banned from the campus. Heck, that had only fueled her ambition to find the truth.

 

History is doomed to repeat itself, it seems. When it came out that three students had disappeared with a drop out and none other than Takashi Shirogane after a crash of some alien ship, Colleen’s heart soared for a moment. Sam and Matt could be alive. Maybe they survived too and were out there somewhere.

 

But then her heart dropped. Pidge Gunderson was one of the missing students. Her Katie was missing. Her little girl.

 

She didn’t know how she could get through this. She was alone now. The silence that ate at her now threatened to swallow her whole.

 

»»—— ★——««

 

For a year, maybe two, she ran on auto pilot. Colleen didn’t bother to count the days that passed. It hurt too much to think about. Instead, she diverted her energy to her work. Helping everyone she could with her medical practice. She kept going for her patients. And for Sam. He wouldn’t want her to give up.

 

So she didn’t. She engrossed herself in her work, even bringing good portions of it home to keep her busy. Some would call it unhealthy, say that it was no way for anyone to live. She just called it surviving. If she let up, she might get swallowed whole.

 

It was one of these late nights that she got a call from Iverson- Which was incredibly odd. They hadn’t spoken in ages. And now when they did, it turned everything around. Never did she think she’d get this news.

 

Sam was alive. He was home. For now, he was quarantined to be sure he didn’t bring anything harmful back with him and that he wouldn’t catch any illnesses while possibly being weak. But he was home. He was finally home.

 

Quiet then became anxious. It slowed time down. Quiet time spent in the waiting room to see him, desperate to hold him and be held by him again. When that time came, a great weight was lifted from her. She wasn’t alone anymore. And soon, their children would be home.

 

They were both alive and well. Matt was working in a resistance against an empire destroying planets and Katie was a pilot in the biggest threat to that empire. She couldn’t be more proud of them- but hearing all they’d gotten themselves into ensured lectures for them and their friends about staying safe.

 

Now, quiet would be a mix of the time warping anxiousness and the lovingness it had been years ago. Though she still didn’t like it much, she had Sam again to help her keep going through it.

 

Sam, and the hope that the quiet nights filled discussions about projects and concepts she didn’t understand would soon be back. That she could tuck both of her little ones into bed before going to lay beside her husband. It would take a while for that to happen, with the possibility of war on the horizon and her children only lord knows how far off in space. But there was the hope of it. And she clung to that.

 

One day, she’ll see her son and daughter again. She’ll get to tuck them in and have discussions with them. Quell arguments. Play games with them. She’ll get to mother them, even if they’re all grown up.

 

Regardless of their age, they’ll always be her little ones. And she couldn’t be happier that she’ll get to see them again and fuss over them like she always has. Maybe then, quiet will be a familiar comfort again.

 

»»—— ★——««

**Author's Note:**

> (Original notes from amino post)
> 
> Another one for the #DetailsSpeakLouderThanWords contest! Oh boy is this one a doozey. I started it last night (Halley don’t yell at me I slept like all day after I messaged you aaa) and finished it this morning. This definitely took a different turn from what I was expecting, but i’m pretty happy with it! I hope you all enjoy :)
> 
> Edit: Aw shoot I just realized I entered this late. Oh well, I still had a lot of fun writing it and I still followed that prompt so I’ll keep it in my contests folder! Sorry about that
> 
> Edit Two: Thank you so much to Halley for taking this submission a bit late. To explain, I was feeling pretty sick yesterday in the middle of the day and slept until about six o’clock so I got started later than I meant to. I also misread the date thinking the deadline was tonight and not last night. I really appreciate how understanding you’ve been; a huge Thank You again!! 🧡🧡🧡


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